7:26pm: new beginnings


iamshannon.blogspot.com

Change is hard, and I suck at it. But after years of maintaining my loyalty to blurty.com, I'm moving over to blogger. I've been putting off the move, because it's hard to leave behind so many memories. It's kind of like leaving a really good friend. I know it's not going anywhere, but still... it feels a little sad to me.

I guess it's time for a blog-warming party! Come and party with me!

Please update your bookmarks. If I'm linked from your site, please adjust that, too. Thanks, friends. See you there.

1:13am:

God and I had a conversation earlier. A longer one than we've had in quite some time. Well, he talks to me a lot, but I don't always listen, and I hardly approach him enough.

Anyway, it was good. And as always seems to happen when I have a truly intimate conversation with my Lord, he followed up. I did an amazing thing tonight--attended a private, basement concert--and the things God and I discussed kept coming up. He was everywhere, in every song.

I left there with a stirred spirit. I feel good. We're going to have another talk like that tomorrow.

He loves me.

5:21pm:

Feels like winter might be here for good. It's cold and nasty and a good day to lay around. (sidenote: as I was writing that, my mind was picturing myself lying around sleeping, but the words that formed in my brain were "sleeping around." Good thing for self-editing.)

If it's going to be cold, can't it be Christmas? I'm ready to be jolly.

Heading out to spend an evening with friends. And then a cute guy later... maybe he'll want to take me away from here... ;)

Have a joyful weekend, friends.

6:59pm:

It's another night in the Mean Bean, and for once, it's quiet.

There are quite a few people here, but they're quiet ones. I appreciate this -- I get a little snarky when I'm trying to work and I can't hear my thoughts for the pockets of noisy-noisy college students.

I'm here to work, but the people around me are a lot more interesting than the article I'm reading about taxes in Jamaica.

In front of me are two sign-languaging ladies. That probably helps with the quiet. They aren't deaf, though -- they're students. I know because occasionally they speak out loud. One has her back to me and she bounces her ponytail too much. Even when I'm attempting to concentrate on Jamaican tax reform, I'm distracted by the bouncing tail that happens to fall just beyond my laptop screen. She has a 97.1 average in the class. The other one is wearing a shirt that says "Silent Weekend."

Until a few minutes ago, there was an older couple sitting on the blue couch. They were doing a lot of cuddling. I was jealous. But they're gone now.

There are a few student-like people, and one professor-like person. There are a couple hoodlum-like boys over by the door.

And I'm here, too. Not sure what my category would be. Girl looking busy, but distracted. Maybe that's it.

12:52pm: election day




My sticker keeps falling off.

10:59am:

Vacation day.

I'd like to apologize to everyone who's crossed my path this week. I've been awful and I know it. Thanks for not running away.

I took the day off to recuperate from my long-lasting bad mood. So far it seems to be working. I slept late, and I'm still sitting here cozylike in my fleece sheets, which, for the record, are better than sex. I have a book to read, but I'll probably catch up on my freelance work. It's work, but catching up feels good. I had a cookie for breakfast.

And tonight is tv night! And tomorrow is Friday! I should take off every Thursday.

8:56pm: hormones aplenty


Sometimes it takes so little to send my mood in a lousy direction.

But after it's set in motion, everything after it is just another source of "bad energy," as Justin would say.

For instance:
I want to eat, but I don't feel like getting up.
I can't finish my crossword, and it's pissing me off.
I thought it might help to talk, but Lisa is busy.

So I sit here and let my mood fester. I go from mad to sad, sad to mad, mad to sad, sad to mad... my eyes are kinda wet at the moment, but I haven't cried for weeks and I don't want today to be the day.

In other news... I think someone called me a cat lady today.

8:14am:

I'm in love with the time change.

4:20pm: GG and the Blahs


Normally, an afternoon with the kitties and two episodes of Gilmore Girls would put me in the best mood on the planet.

Today, however, it's done the opposite. Well, I guess I'm not in the worst mood on the planet, but instead of the usual GG joy that fills my heart at the end of an episode, this last show left me feeling down and crummy.

It was the last episode of Season 6. I'm finally caught up to the current season, which is good, because my TiVo was about to go postal on me for junking up my "recorded" folder. But being the last episode, it was duly sad, and with Luke and Lorelai split up and Logan and Rory separated for a year, I know I had a sad look on my face when the credits started rolling.

I sat here for a little bit, curled up in my chair with a pout. I looked around. What should I do now? I don't feel like doing anything. I just wanted to sit and mope. If you know me well, you know a simple mope session can turn into a mope WEEK. So, no, I decided. I'm not going to sit here and mope. I didn't feel like doing any work, so I went to the grocery store. There, every song on the Muzak playlist made me more depressed than the one before it.

I think, just maybe, THIS is the reason I usually avoid getting hooked on TV shows. I get sucked in and it just feels too real. And I don't need pseudo-drama in my life. I have enough real drama to last me forever.

But... don't worry, Lorelai. I'll be coming back for more.

8:44am:

Happy birthday, Lib.

Super-Cool Party People:


More Lib Day/Halloween Party Pics

11:18am: make a wish


Since signs of Christmas are starting to appear everywhere I look, I thought I should post my Amazon Wish List to assist all of you in choosing the perfect gift(s) for me this year.

My Wish List

Check often for updates.

:)

7:20pm: simple

Little things that make me happy, in no particular order:

marshmallow peeps, a few days stale
a good book on a rainy day
getting the mail
English accents (on men)
fleece sheets
an evening at the Mean Bean
getting e-mails
dinners with Lisa
new comments on MySpace
Thursday night television
talking LOST with fellow addicts
Friday night at The Walk
phone calls with Rob
birthdays at work
spending time with Mom and Dad
catching up with old friends
smiley cookies :)
tanning on the beach
a day off
finishing scrapbook pages
reading friends' blogs
eating Mom's cooking
TiVo
knitting
a good-smelling man
lemon pie
kitty kisses
Hugh Grant movies
Gilmore Girls
cheese
Thanksgiving
white bread
Christmas eve
playing with babies
gift cards
singing and dancing with Justin at the office
blogging about stupid stuff instead of doing work that needs done :)

That will do for now. (Mom was complaining that the last entry was OLD. See where I get my restless nature?)

3:56pm:

It's Saturday, and I'm loving being lazy. It's been awhile since I've wanted to sit and do nothing--with the mind wandering and all--but it's been great today. I'm watching my favorite Shirley Temple movie--A Little Princess. It makes me cry, but I love it.

Yesterday was Erin's birthday and Teresa's last day. One happy, one sad, but either way, there was food and festivity and those things make a day's work a whole lot easier to take.



And Mom and Dad sent me smiley cookies--my favorite! :)



By the way, Sweetest Day shmeetest day.

7:24pm: update


Doing well. Keeping busy. Getting reacquainted with Jesus. Having fun with friends. Feeling like me again.

Got good news at work today, too.

Corn Maze pictures

WLTD: -7.5

4:44pm:

A note to my friends:
I appreciate all of you enormously. You've reached out to me during a hard time, and I'm so thankful for that. Although Rob isn't right for me, he's still a good man, and I'll always care for him deeply. So please, go easy on the man-bashing. He did the right thing by walking away, and although it was painful and I wish things were different, I agree with his decision.

While he may not have been perfect, he was always a good friend to me. He always wanted to hear about my day and always wanted to tell me about his day. He would call me because he was excited about a sale at the store. Anything. He was my best friend, the person I shared everything with, the first person I wanted to tell when anything happened, good or bad. He shared with me the hard things and the easy things, the big things and the little things. He'll always be special to me, whether we remain in contact or not.

If you've read his blog, please refrain from commenting. If reading it stirs up feelings for my sake, well, thank you. But remember his feelings, too. Things weren't perfect for us, but he's also mourning the loss of his friend, and I need you to remember that and lift him up in prayer instead of bringing him down.

Robert - ehug. Time will heal our hearts.

6:45pm:

"Many of our attempts to understand Christian faith have only cheapened it. I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me."
(-Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz)

I've been reading this book for months. Not because it's long or boring or difficult--the time it's taking is only my own fault. A lot of the words have caused me to stop and think--maybe more than any other book I've ever read. But something about this passage struck a chord in my soul about the greatness of my God, about how far he sits above my understanding, and yet he makes himself so near to my ignorant heart.

It humbles me to realize how much we think we know what's going on down here. We think we've got the world figured out. We think we can make sense of the universe with science and formulas and endless theories. Truth is, we have no idea what we're dealing with. And we don't really need to know.

10:31am: okay


It's 10:30, and we're still in our pajamas. But it's okay, because it's Saturday, and it's a lazy-feeling day. There will be work to do later--work that should be done during the work week, saving this day for lazing. But there will be work, so for now, we're enjoying idleness.

He's playing video games. I'm writing. We're both content, in our own little ways. Our bodies are touching, but our minds are far from each other. But that's okay, too. He sticks out his tongue as he plays. He always does that when he's concentrating. His team is winning. It's a good thing, really, because he gets a little crabby when he's losing, and I'm kind of cozy at the moment.

It's freezing in here. He refuses to turn on the heat. I'm wearing socks and long sleeves, and he's sitting on the opposite end of the couch in shorts. But our legs are touching, and our feet are sharing a blanket, so I guess that's okay, too.

Soon enough he'll get up and ask what I want for lunch. That will signal the end of the lazy morning and the beginning of the real day. But for now, everything's okay.

7:45pm: dancin'


Did you know Rob and I can really bust some moves? And did you ever wonder how he'd look in tights?

Check this out: click.

4:29pm: happy


I'm happy. I love today.

I think I heard you ask why.

+ Rob made me smile yesterday, and it spilled into today
+ Teresa's birthday = partying at work
+ Free lunch
+ Rob came to see me
+ Brief bit of hanging out in the bookstore with my favorite person
+ Leaving early
+ Cute guy hugged and kissed me (*swoon*)
+ Sunny and pretty outside
+ Get to see my friends tonight
+ Party tomorrow

I'm going to ride this high as long as I can. Weeee!

10:28pm:

This weekend brought me to Monday with a lot to process.

Who am I? What do I need? Why do I do the things I do? Am I who I think I am?

Balance isn't a strong suit of mine. It's always too much this way. Too much that way. I haven't found that comfortable spot in the center where things just line up and feel right. Sometimes I look around me and I see people sitting contentedly in the balance and I wonder why I've not found it yet. Where is this secret place? When will I find mine? Will I ever find it?

Things have been going too far in one direction for too long. I think I need to head the other way. There's stuff on the other side that I've been neglecting for far too long... and I think, sometimes, I even fool myself into thinking I'm going, but really, it's more like a day trip than a relocation.

The place where I can find balance is on the Cornerstone. I'm trying to stand over here, and maybe over there, and then some other place, but those places all make me fall. They're shaky. I try to stand up straight, but I can't. When I try, things start wobbling all over, and I can't do it. And I don't want to be slouchy forever just to stay in those places. When my God comes first, I know the other things in my life fall into their places. And there, only there, I find balance.

I was challenged last night to think about where my feet are standing. Do I have one foot in the world? I think I'm guilty of that. It's so easy for my sinful, human head to convince my heart that it's okay to live a certain way. Especially if I'm enjoying it. But thank God for convictions.

And for the record, thank God for loving me enough to give me convictions. He doesn't have to stop me or punish me or cause me to stumble in order to make me realize I'm being an idiot. But he does, and that's how I know beyond a doubt that I'm a child of God.

Back to my pursuit of balance.

2:51pm: ice


Not sure why I feel like this is my news, but...

The BFF is engaged!

Who's excited? WE ARE.

1:49pm:

It is more blessed to give than to receive. (Acts 20:35)

"We can experience feelings commonly associated with receiving love when we develop of taste for giving love sacrificially. In fact, if we set out with a goal of receiving love feelings, we usually end up dissatisfied. Only when we look away from our own emotional needs (trusting God to meet them) and move out to meet others' needs will our own needs be fully met."

Working on this lately.

That's all.



DeLashmutt, G. and D. McCallum. Spiritual Relationships That Last. Columbus, OH: Xenos Publishing, 2001.

1:34pm: non-whiner

So, for the sake of balance, I decided I'd post something a little happier. And since I recently posted about things that were getting on my nerves, here's a list of things that are making me smile lately.

+ Erin, Libby, Teresa, and Jen
To whom would I complain if I didn't have these girls? They've listened patiently to my boy woes for ages now, and if they're getting tired of it, well, at least they haven't told me so.
+ Work at Work
Amazing, right? Finally, my inbox is full again. I have stuff to do! Egad! I have purpose again.
+ The Narrow Path
The past few weeks/months have been a bit of a struggle for me on the God-front. I've had a hard time staying focused and making good choices, but through lots of prayer and some accountability, I've got myself back on the right track. It feels really good, and God keeps revealing himself to me over and over, and I keep realizing how fortunate I am to know him at all.
+ Knitting?
Okay, so it's not so much the knitting itself, but it's been fun getting to know my girlfriends better over needles and yarn. And they're teaching me so much about scarf-making. It's not their fault I can't count stitches. One day, I'll make something that isn't all wavy and holey.
+ Football Season
It's about that time again, and that makes me smile when I think about it. I love football season. There's something happy about football season that just gets me excited. The chill in the air, the painted faces... well, whatever. And this year, I'll be the biggest supporter for Ben Logan Middle School (aka, Rob's team), so I'm broadening my horizons. I think I might even learn a little bit about the rules along the way.
+ Robert
I know you were waiting for this one. I don't want to sound like a sucker, so I thought I'd omit this one, but he does make me smile now and then, so who am I to try to lie to myself and to my readers? We've weathered some storms, that's for sure, but somehow he still makes me smile... when he smiles at me, or holds my hand during a prayer, or sings the Beatles in a falsetto, or grabs my butt in the stairway... ha.
+ And this just in...
I just dropped an M&M down my shirt (I occasionally miss my mouth) and it didn't come out the bottom. So I'm going to have to cut this short to visit the restroom and find the candy that's hiding out under my clothes. It's stupid, but it made me laugh. I figured it fit today's list.

Smiling,
shannon

10:22pm: manhunt


What kind of man does a girl deserve?

What's worth holding out for, and what's expecting too much?

Are there hard things you just have to accept, or is that settling?

I have these questions... and more... sliding around in my head lately. I've got relationships on the brain these days, and I guess I'm just starting to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. It's all making me think about what it is I'm actually supposed to be looking for. I don't want to settle, but is there a necessary bit of settling involved? Nobody's perfect, right? So if I can't see past some faults, so I keep looking, am I going to miss my prince? The line is fine. I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up.

In the past, I'd always dated guys who gave me the princess treatment. Always built me up, encouraged me, made me feel good about myself, made me stronger. So are my expectations skewed now? Should I not hold out for a guy who will love me purely and wholly and treat me like the most precious thing he's ever had in his hands?

I guess that's the man the fairy tales are trying to sell. I'm sure that in reality, I don't need constant attention... but I do need some. How much affection am I allowed to expect? How much affection do I deserve? What is the right way for a man to treat the woman he loves? How do I know?

Is love enough? I don't suppose so. It's the groundwork, I guess. The foundation. But the bricks and mortar and all, that's the verb love. The kind where you pour everything you have into it. The kind where you give up yourself and love the other person unselfishly.

What do you do, then, when the one you love doesn't really have the whole unselfish thing down? Do you walk away? Do you wait? When your head says "walk" and your heart says "but, why?", then what do you do? How do you turn on your very own heart?

Oh, heart of mine. I wish I had the answers.

4:09pm: whiner


Thanks to confusing life events and my hormone levels, today is Mope Day.

Life is fine outside the little box I've locked myself in (correct my grammar and die) for right now, so don't assume I'm unhappy or discontent. Things are okay. But today... today I need to whine. And just by coming here, you've volunteered to be my audience.

Things I feel like complaining about today:

+ Work/Lack of Work
I'm still bored at work. I mean, come on. I know these things work in cycles, but it's been since February, and I've had enough. I want to feel like I have some sort of purpose when I sit down at my desk. I don't want to feel like I'm just part of the decor.
+ Summer's almost over.
Not that I had a break or anything, but it's still disheartening to know that the long sunny days are going to change before too long. And more importantly, my nemesis--ragweed--will soon be hitting the fields and I'll be a sniffling mess.
+ Drama Among Friends
For some reason, I was assuming this drama stuff goes away once you hit a certain age. I thought it was reserved for my 7th grade youth-group girls, but apparently not. There's still gossip and drama, and we've had a bit of it lately in my circle of friends, which is starting to really get on my nerves. I mean, jeez. Let's be almost-30, okay?
+ Useless Mid-Year Reviews
Had mine the other day. 'Nuff said.
+ Gray Hairs
Justin pulled about 6 of them out of my head this morning. What? Aren't I still pretty young? What is up, Bio Clock? What are you trying to pull?
+ Lame Traffic Patterns and Construction
Apparently at some point, this disaster at Polaris is going to make things better for us. What I'd like to know is when. For about 30 seconds, I really enjoyed that I could use Gemini to get on Orion, but suddenly it takes 18 hours to turn left from Orion in the afternoon, so now I have to go the long way home every day. Queer.
+ MySpace and the Need for Speed
Can it get any slower? I mean, really.
+ The Increasing Size of My Butt
Someone chase me with an axe or something. Then maybe I'd get some exercise. Take away my Cheez-Its, too. Is there really such a thing as willpower?
+ I have to pee right now and I don't feel like getting up.
Got that one?
+ New Friends Disappearing
My newest work e-mail buddy is leaving. It was brief, Mark, but it was fun. Now there's no one with whom to discuss theological matters while I ought to be reading science.
+ Unclear Boundaries
What a pain. I don't think I have the patience for it anymore. About done, really.

Okay. Good enough for now, I guess. Maybe I'll come back later for another therapy session.

Thanks for tuning in.